Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
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He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
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Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
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