He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
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