If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize