and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
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I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
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I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
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