He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
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She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
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when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize