your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
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