I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
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i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
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When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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