we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
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