You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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