Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
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