I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
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his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
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Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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