I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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