i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
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