We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
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just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
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I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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