I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
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Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
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