and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
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U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
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