my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
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She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Let's paint friendship bongs
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
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I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
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