The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
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You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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