Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
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Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
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I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
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