I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
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I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
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The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
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