First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Randomize