ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
did you just send me my own nude
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Randomize