when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize