So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
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he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
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I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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