there's paper in my vomit.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
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Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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