I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
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He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
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It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
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