I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
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The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
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think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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