Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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