Are you guys doing anything tonight?
Krysta
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
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He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
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I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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