1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
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To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
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Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
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