9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
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So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
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Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
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