If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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