brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
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I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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