I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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