No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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