i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
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