You smell like stripper and shame
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
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