My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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