Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
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A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
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The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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