i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
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Found the puke drawer
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize