Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
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My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
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I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
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