textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
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