Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
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apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
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If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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