i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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