Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
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