So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
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They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
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