so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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