Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
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