The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
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No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
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Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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