saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
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His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
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